I Just Want to be in Control

My name is Hailey.

I’m 15 years old and 5’7. I’ve never been the kind of girl who was super self-conscious about my body, or obsessed over what I ate, but this summer I decided I wanted to eat less and see if I could lose some weight.

As the summer went on, I seemed to be losing weight steadily, and I began to look more into what I was eating, I’d read the labels on anything before I ate it, and I would eat only things that had little to no fat in them.

Not only that, but it became more than that. It became something I felt the need to control.

The less I ate, the better I felt.

This has continued ever since then, and I’ve lost a significant amount of weight. I’m not sure how much i weighed before this all began, but it was something around 130. I now weight about 105.

I haven’t talked to anyone about it, and I’ve found myself feeling really lonely.

I have a friend who has suffered from anorexia for about a year now, and last year was hospitalized for 2 months. I’ve debated talking to her about it because I really need someone to talk to but the thing is, I really don’t want anyone to find out about this.

I don’t want to be known as the girl who doesn’t eat. I just want people to think I’m naturally like this.

I’m also really scared.

I’m scared that people have started to realize, and I’m scared that certain people try hard to get me to eat a lot when I’m with them, and I don’t want to always be refusing cause I don’t want to be obvious, so I’ve found myself avoiding hanging out with people for that reason, which only leaves me feeling more lonely.

Lately though, in the past week, I had a doctors appointment to get weighed, and that terrified me. I was worried that if my doctor became involved, they would control me and everything I ate.. so I started to binge a little and I ate things that I haven’t eaten in months. I felt extremely out of control and I don’t like the feeling at all.

I don’t know what my aim was, whether it was to gain a little weight or whether I was just losing control, but now I cant get back to my old eating schedules. For about a week now I have had the worst days for eating and I’ve felt like a sloppish pig. I’ve tried to vomit after eating a few times, but I cannot bring myself to do it.

I’m soo scared about this whole thing, and its completely changed my life. I’m always thinking about food, and worrying about what I will eat. I have no one to talk to and I just needed to let it out.

Listen to Me

A Response from Cassandra

Listen to me, you need to eat and you need to tell someone. It’s a good thing you can’t make yourself vomit. That would only bring on a few more health problems.

In my opinion, the best thing for you to do is tell your friend that had anorexia and maybe even talk to her family. Because they’re going through it, they may be able to help you talk to your parents more easily because you really do need help.

If its a control thing for you more than a self-image/self-esteem thing, then it’d be difficult, if not next to impossible to “fix” yourself. I’d also recommend talking to a youth pastor/youth leader.