Still Struggling

This testimony was submitted by Ariel M Tanner

I understand that not many really would care about the pity that led to this eating disorder, but how it started: I was a baby and my grandpa squeezed my wrist so hard intentionally. A few months later as a baby, I’d been tied to a chair in a childcare facility.

At 5, a kid always tried to bite me in Kindergarten. At 6, I was beat up EVERY day in first grade by a group of bullies. At 7 years old, I was at a sleepover; woke up in the middle of the night wanting so badly to go home because I was homesick; the mom didn’t want to let me go home or take me home so she beat my sister with a belt, I witnessed it, and it happened to me; my abusive grandfather beat me in my living room; at age 8, I was left outside by the baby sitter in the freezing cold. At age 9, I was betrayed by a friend. Age 11, bullied by preps in middle school. Age 13, abused by my boyfriend (called names every day, criticized about weight, bossed around, humiliated, poked, punched in the back), age 16 kidnapped by a gang banger and sexually assaulted, at age 8 my father beat me and ever since has been emotionally abusive up until now, at age 19 I find out that a few friends totally forgot about me, went to a conference for a week and witnessed a lightning strike that struck two people and there was a shooting that police say was a suicide-NO I know it was a homicide. Since the age of 14, it’s when my eating disorder started.

I started by eating 800 calories a day, always counting my calories, weighed 96 lbs at 5’2″ or 5’3″, was always cold and shivering, vision got worse, but now is improving. I am still dieting today, but still always counting my calories, fat contents and nutrition facts obsessively. Working hard to recover from the eating disorder.

At least today I’ve been increasing my calorie intake to 1200 a day. Anorexia is far from being happy. You’re always taking note and thinking about is this safe to eat, oh gosh my friend wants to take me to the mall and maybe have some pretzels, what are the calories for this, should I eat this.

Thank you for sharing your story

A Response from Simi

Ariel, thank you for sharing your life story, it must have been difficult for you recollecting those memories and even worse living through them. I am not sure why you think it is a pitiful one not to deserve empathy, no one should have to go through such trauma in life especially as a child.

Dealing with an eating disorder is a silent killer that most people cannot seem to fully understand only the sufferer knows the extent of the battle day after day. People expect you to just be able to let go and “just eat” as they are able to. Anyone who has or is battling with an eating disorder will tell you it leads back to their childhood or family upbringing. Do not blame yourself for what has happened or keep wondering why you are the way you are, the first step to recovery is admitting there is a problem and seek help.

I will be a hypocrite if I say I am on the road to recovery, I’m not even near the pavement. But what I do know is that I am determined to get my life back and take hold of what I should be in control of and not vice versa. God is my healer and the source of my strength.

I am so happy to hear that you are increasing your calories as often, take it each day as it comes and enjoy each one because you are not promised tomorrow, imagine what people might say if you no longer lived “What a shame! she was such a lovely girl but her life was controlled by anorexia or bulimia…I know I certainly do not want to be remembered as such but as one who enjoyed her everyday life.

We cannot all look alike of be of the same weight, height, hair color etc. because we are uniquely created, keep this in mind! God loves you, draw close to him he will deliver you. You are in my prayers!