A Different World Inside of Me

This testimony was submitted by Elana from California

My name is Elana. I am 16 years old and I have suffered from anorexia for 3 years. From the way things are going now, I will be suffering from this addiction for years to come also. When I entered the High School in my Californian neighborhood, I was normal. I was an average weight, an average height and an average person. Except for one thing, I had a determined attitude no one I knew could top. I was active in my schools cross-country team and ran an average of 6-10 miles a day.

I ate normally, no more no less than anyone else. However, despite my exercising, I was never quite as skinny as my other friends or the other girls on the team. I had a flat stomach and toned arms and legs, but I was never skinny enough. But I was not engrossed with weight at this time.

Toward the end of x-country was when I noticed I finally looked slimmer in my clothes and I was very happy with my appearance. ( it takes months of exercise before your body gets to where you want it to be, so this is shy it took me so long to notice weight loss) When x-country ended, I stopped running and enjoyed all the free time and laziness as any teenager would. I still ate the same amount of food as I did when I was running, so my weight gradually crept up. I hated it. I loved my flat stomach and hated these new pounds that hid it.

I was friends with an anorexic and I loved the way she looked. I knew how little she ate, so I decide to try some of her tricks. I stopped eating anything fattening like meat, any type of candy or dessert, fries chips, you name it. I stopped eating breakfast. I stopped eating Lunch. But by dinner, I was starved and usually pigged out. I didn’t lose weight until 2 years later when I realized I had to eat nothing to lose weight. Dinner was wrecking me! So I started going on Pro ana sites to get tips and tricks and reasons and thinspo. I was addicted, and still am, to these sites.

I still want to lose weight, but have trouble controlling the desire to eat. I know I need help, but I am no where near being ready to get it. I need to suffer for a while first. I need to accomplish what I set out for to do. I want Anorexia still. I feel comfortable with her. I love her.